Submitted: Mon, Dec 01, 2003 9:26 am

Subject:

Dear Peniel
 I have almost finished reading a copy your book "oh My God!..." and would like to say thanks for persevering and getting it out so it may wind up in the hands of those who need it.
  The second reason I am writing is that I have been moved by what I found in the book to contact you in order to discover if the guidance I need is somehow linked to you. I have been a "seeker" for some time now. I have read much and thought about what I have read. I had several "experiences" in the past (at a time when I was much less informed) and didn't quite know how to take them (in retrospect, I may have totally mis-understood and mis-interpreted and made many errors stemming from that sequence of events). For some time I "felt" I was making much progress, then slowly at first then more rapidly "fell" so far I can't "feel" (what I believe you would call God's Love’) much anymore. I have been extremely frustrated and at a lost on how to ( at least) "get back to where I was" and continue the journey forward.
  I am not sure what to expect from you, but "the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step..." and I feel the journey is so important that all possible (prudent) steps should be taken.
 Where does this go from here? Do you have any words of "wisdom" or advice for me specifically at this stage of the journey? I feel there may be a chance that you have.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.

David

Submitted: Mon, Dec 01, 2003 7:33 pm

Subject:

David,
Thank you for responding... so few take me up on the opportunity I offer to any and all whom read the books.
Please bear with me here... In order to "discuss" spiritual matters with mere words sometimes requires many words soas I do not loose the essence of what I wish to convey.
Let me first comment on each item you said:
 I have almost finished reading a copy your  book "oh My God!..." and would like to say thanks for persevering and getting it out so it may wind up in the hands of those who need it.
You're most welcome.

  The second reason I am writing is that I have been moved by what I found in the book to contact you in order to discover if the guidance I need is somehow linked to you.
I appreciate that, this "movement" you speak of is quite common among those who read and get "touched" by the book.
 I have been a "seeker" for some time now. I have read much and thought about what I have read. I had several "experiences" in the past (at a time when I was much less informed) and didn't quite know how to take them
I understand. The book in a few places "hints" at some "experiences" that I  had, possibly similar to yours.
 (in retrospect, I may have totally mis-understood and mis-interpreted and  made many errors stemming from that sequence of events).
God, I could write several books on this one statement of yours from my own past! And, this statement from you is also paramount as a sign that you are perhaps truly "called" instead of merely being a casual "seeker". In my many years of teaching others (what I had been taught) and "trying to ram into others heads" what I had been taught, I learned that only those truly "called" are "able" to pursue deeper truths. Many are curious, but few (in my experience) have truly been able to benefit from "further" assistance after considering what was already presented in the first book. Your statement above gives me hope that you might just be a "called" seeker, as I was many years ago. We shall soon see...
For some time I "felt" I was making much progress, then slowly at first then more rapidly "fell" so far I can't "feel" (what I believe you would call God's Love' ) much anymore. I have been extremely frustrated and at a lost on how to ( at least) "get back to where I was" and continue the journey forward.
Perhaps you are experiencing what in the spiritual journey we call an aridity. I have studied the lives of the saints passed and have found many occurrences in their lives that parallel what you describe here. Indeed, in my own experiences there were several "aridities" (meaning dry-times, spiritually) where I felt almost "nothing" for years. It was as if my ability to "feel" emotions had somehow gradually slipped away until I no longer could even force myself to "feel" anything! No love, no joy, no envy, no hatred, no anger... nuthin'! (Oh, I still had physical feelings like heat, cold, pain, etc. - but no "Emotional feelings.") This is far worse that feeling strong negative emotions, for it dehumanizes you until you think that you are just a robot or a machine going through the motions of living, but, only in memory are the truly important parts of your life now kept. I have been married for 27 years and have a 21 year old daughter (now) and each of these dry-spells happened in my marriage and with a young daughter (that I could not at that time enjoy - pure hell!) I would have gladly traded away years of my life, if I could have gotten out of those arid times. Alas, this is something that ALL TRUE deeply spiritual people MUST go through at some time or another. It is a time of "purification" and God Himself allows and evidently demands it. Not all people go through aridities, but every "deeply religious or spiritual" person I have ever studied or know has indeed experienced these dry-times. The worst part of these aridities is EXACTLY what you describe, you feel that God has moved far from you, and you can no longer "feel" His presence (something for those of us whom have experienced a "closeness" with God, that is excruciating agony to be removed from!) If you think this is what you might be experiencing, rejoice, it does not last forever and is a great sign of God's Love to be allowed to take such a sever test of faith that is reserved for the few! If you do not feel this is what you are experiencing, we may need to clarify what you are going through... either way, I suspect we will talk more about this after your decision. And... this is a perfect example of just WHY it is so helpful to have a guide on this spiritual journey, especially one whom has been where you are yet to go. I would suggest that you consider that on the path to spiritual perfection (if Dad has chosen this for you) you must pass through: "Purgation", "Illumination" and then "Union." Typically, aridities happen most commonly in "Purgation" and occasionally in "Illumination". If this touches a chord in you, we should discuss this path further.
  I am not sure what to expect from you, but "the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step..." and I feel the journey is so important that all possible (prudent) steps should be taken.
Wisely said! NOTHING, in this life or the next, is more important than the response we give when Dad so softly calls us! Also, As I explain in the book, if you are sincere about a devout and deep spiritual life, it is very important to find some guide to assist you over the stumbling blocks and traps and snares that assuredly will be placed in your way of advancement. (I would love to be this guide for you, if you find me capable and acceptable to you, and if I find the same in you.) If not me, then at least do not find someone whom merely tickles you ears and says the things you want to hear, but rather, find someone whom you can trust. The best way to do that is to test that person. Give them some tests and see if their words (in your best judgment) are wisdom or just gobbeldy-gook. A truly wise man, called by God to assist and teach others will never "mind" being tested, but rather would encourage you to test them. Also, even if you are in an aridity now, PRAY about it. If God refuses to answer you, find the wisest person you know and open you heart to them and ask for their opinion. See if they think the answers from your "proposed" guide are helpful and show insight and wisdom. I have always stood on the astounding truths and benefits of what Dad has given to me to teach (like what is in the book you read.)  Where does this go from here? Do you have any words of "wisdom" or advice for me specifically at this stage of the journey?
1.) Read, and reread what I have answered in here
2.) Think carefully about my answers, and if they show any insight into your situation
3.) Finish reading "OMGAYTTM" so that we have a mutual ground for further discussion and so that I know at least what you have been shown (via that book)
4.) Ask any further questions you wish to at this time (either out of curiosity, or as a test of my worthiness to be a possible guide for you in your spiritual journey, or both)
5.) Decide or determine any discussion areas you might want to further converse about (for example, something from the book that you didn't "get" or that you might want expanded or clarified)
6.) Decide if the "typing" via e-mails like we are doing is how you want to continue (for now) or if you would prefer to speak voice to voice (my cost, your convenience, preferably evenings after 7pm CST or anytime on weekends.) Just let me know and we'll continue in your preference.
7.) Pray about all of this, especially my "guidance" (it doesn't matter if Dad answers you directly or not... you WILL get an answer very soon and you will probably be surprised at where the answer comes from, and how it gets presented to you- it almost always happens this way - you'll see!)
8.) If you feel that it would be helpful (for example, if you don't currently trust your own judgment), get someone whom you do trust to read at least this response from me, and any further "testing" that you ask of me and get their opinion. If possible, have them read some of the book (if they are willing) but understand that this book only "touches" the few! Most say, "Yeah, that is kinda interesting..." but they are not "called" by what is in it (as you may have been.)
9.) If you are interested in further knowing about me, ask and I will send you some other stuff I have written (poems, books, workshops, seminars, etc.)
10.) Sleep on all of this, then pray again. Watch for the answer to your prayer and I suspect in a few days it will come from that unexpected source. Perhaps the fact that I described how your answer was going to come to you, after you receive it, will assist you in accepting me as you guide (if we get to that point.) In considering me as a possible guide, I ask that you give me a fair trial based on the book you have already read, and any answers here and that you shall soon ask of me. Think if I am the kind of person I portray in the book, is that the kind of person you could trust as a guide into your further spiritual journey? And, for my initial test of sincerity for you: For now just look at the questions at the end of Chapter 12 and think about them (don't start answering them just yet, just look them over and think about them some...) We will ask more of you later, if you are still willing
I feel there may be a chance that you have.
I know that I have - if we find each other mutually agreeable to it, and until we decide to suspend / stop.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
It was a true pleasure - I mean that! This is exactly why God put me here on earth, "To teach others the Truth" and NOTHING gives me greater pleasure, satisfaction, or benefit in God's scales than doing what He put me here to do - the opportunity that you may well open up for me with you!
May Day put you eternally in His favor and swiftly answer your question as to my "guide" status, so that we can get on with where HE WANTS YOU TO GO FROM HERE! ;) Peniel G.G.G.

Submitted: Wed, Dec 03, 2003 11:01 am

Subject: Beginnings

Dear Peniel,

Thanks for responding to my initiative. I have been "around the block" in life  enough to be aware that not all that glitters is gold, but it wasn't very much any concern about the outright commercialization of many "New Age/spiritual Gurus" that gave me pause ( for from your book, I had no doubt you are who you purport to be), but rather a realization that with so many seeking help, could there really be an opportunity to be treated as more than just another contact from the public.

So, I am grateful for this opportunity.   I have finished the book and have again considered the questions posed there in. As for needing to decide if you can be a catalyst to move me forward on the journey, I never really had to think twice about it. It is a result of the words which I read that I know somewhat/a little of who you are -and realize the potential help for me on my journey. I also realize that it may turn out that, for whatever reason, our meeting on the pathway may or may not be other than a brief encounter - but yet, there is a feeling in me of hope awakening. In reading your book and to some varying degree since, I have found brief moments of "that feeling" or state of being, which I had previously felt, so to me, this is an indication of this being the right direction. I have also been wishing to receive more guidance -and the "stumbling onto" this book and resultant contact with you seems "fortuitous", to say the least.

Of course, I realize it is just as important  for you to decide - not whether you are able, but whether it is the "correct" thing for you to "walk a little(?) with me" or not.

I appreciate your mentioning of phone contact if you decide to proceed with me, but I am a person who must often take time "digesting" things - one who often realizes he is not "quick on his feet" and the opportunity to  read and re-read the printed word, as well as working and re-working the expression of my thoughts (at least to me) seems "wiser" -and perhaps "safer"(?) for now -and yet if this makes too much of a demand on your time and the phone would be more convenient for you -I will defer to that method of communication.

What is next ? Do I inquire what you would ask of me?

You asked if I had any questions for you -I have one -which I realize may be one which should not be asked at this time and may need much "leading up to". But it is the predominant question in my mind as we consider a beginning and may help you see who I am more clearly.

It seems more than not to me that through the pages of your book, you wish the reader to see "God" primarily as the traditional Christian "God of Love"  and the love-relationship which you demonstrate with "Him" seems the all-encompassing end-all of being. I do not dispute this at all, but behind this do you see a more complex sytem of relationship(s) -what I mean is that in the thoughts of others God may have created more "intervening" levels of personhood between the humanly manifesting aspect of "us" and the ultimate "Himself". Well -I realize this question may have little or no absolute relevence or its relevency may depend on the timeliness of its being posed, but in all honesty -it does run through my mind. As this shows, I have been concerned with "thinking" much of my life and even as I strive to increase the components of being which lie beyong "logic", it remains a large part of who I have been.

I look forward to reading your thoughts at this stage of our contact.

Dave

Submitted

Subject:

David,
Thanks for the vote of confidence. I understand that if a person both read and "got" what was in the OMGAYTTM book, there should be little doubt regarding me, my disposition, my relationship with Dad, and my eagerness and willingness to assist others (especially others whom are now in the same boat I found myself in 20 years ago - seeking deeper spirituality in my life, wanting to love and serve God better, yet unsure how to proceed and fearful (and rightly so) that I might actually do more harm than good to myself and possibly others...
There are many whom have read the words, and not "got" what was said, so I usually proceed with caution in the beginning with any seeker soas not to scare them away nor to build up any false hopes they might start out with. I can see from your level of understanding that I can dispense with much of the cautionary language I usually begin with and rather get beyond the milk to some food of greater substance with you.
As usual, let me begin by responding to some of your statements...
You said: "I also realize that it may turn out that, for whatever reason, our meeting on the pathway may or may not be other than a brief encounter - but yet, there is a feeling in me of hope awakening."
Typically, when God brings someone to me to assist, it usually takes a few months of interaction to get them either back on their path, or, on the path they should be on but never were. My role is almost always the same with each seeker, a "guide". An answerer of questions, an asker of questions, a sounding board for new ideas, a signpost, a pointer, a proposer of alternatives, a designer of alternatives, etc.
I use whatever methods I feel best to assist each seeker at that time, and I do not use the same methods with all (for each is unique in need and ability.) Many times, I take different individuals down very similar paths, and use very similar methods at certain stages, for I have found these methods both productive (the key) and least-painful (this would require an entire book to explain, but the short version is that the reason YOU are not where you should be is because YOU are unwilling or unable to do one or more of the following: 1.) Know where you are now; 2.) Know where you are supposed to be now; or 3.) Know which direction and how far the above 2 positions are from each other.)
This "lack of knowledge" is not your fault, but it is your responsibility. This is precisely where I can be best utilized is in assisting you to see: where you are now, where you should be instead, and how to get from here to there. (A Guide.)
The reason this process usually takes so long (a few months, typically) is that we create barriers around ourselves to protect us from others, and these barriers, while effective in their original purpose, also limit our vision of both where we are and how to get where we believe we should be. I have successfully guided many seekers before (over a hundred) in varying degrees of involvement based on their need and desire, and I feel confident that I "can" guide you. "Can" is the key, the lock is "will" I? This is a question that you and I together must decide. We shall discuss this more as time progresses.
You said: "In reading your book and to some varying degree since, I have found brief moments of "that feeling" or state of being, which I had previously felt, so to me, this is an indication of this being the right direction. I have also been wishing to receive more guidance -and the "stumbling onto" this book and resultant contact with you seems "fortuitous", to say the least."
This also is exciting for me to hear! Another sign to me of your sincerity and a feeling of "where you are" at this point in your spiritual life."  You may have remembered in the book I said that one good way to determine if we are going in the right direction is to see if this "feeling" seems to point us in a particular direction, for if God wants us to go there He will surely give us this "fulfillment" feeling as a sure sign that this is the way He wishes us to proceed, here and now.
I don't want to go too far or deep at this point, but let's wade into spiritual waters a little:
You combination of statements also reveals much to me: the "feeling", your desire for "guidance", your "stumbling onto" the book, and your "reception" and absorption of parts of what is in the book. This "feeling" you are referring to is most likely what I looSEly call "fulfillment". It is an emotional state that few people ever really experience, for it truly only comes from "full - filling" of what we as human beings are destined to and for: "standing in the presence of God and experiencing 'Him' just as He truly is." This is actually what heaven is, standing in God's pure and intense presence and mutually experiencing Him unmasked and unveiled: and He - you. This "mutual experiencing" of God and one of his children, done in God's presence, is what I term "fulfillment" for it, and IT ALONE, can "fill full" that infinitely large chasm of potential (usually empty) that each person possesses within their soul. Few people ever get but a few glimpses of this incredible feeling, but for those whom oftentimes wade into deeper spiritual waters, it is there for the taking. It is not something we can control, as I have indicated, as God typically uses this as a carrot to entice us in the direction He wishes us to go. God sends us little "tastes" of this (carrots) occasionally usually in response to us "turning toward" something or someone He wants us to encounter. For those of us seeking a "devout and spiritual life" this "feeling" (which is more a state of consciousness than a "feeling", per se) is used both to assist us to turn the right direction and as a reward for service. Sometimes, it is just a gift of love and God may well flood you or fill you with it. This is uncommon, however, for once this leaves you, there is typically a deep yearning and hunger for its return, and the pain of knowing "bliss" (as I call this immersed state) and now not having it may be far worse than having never known its true depths to begin with.
I would like to ask at this point for you to give me a little information on how you "stumbled" onto the book, for this will also assist me to know what I desire to know at this stage of our relationship that we are building.
You said: "Of course, I realize it is just as important  for you to decide - not whether you are able, but whether it is the "correct" thing for you to "walk a little(?) with me" or not."
It is the correct thing, until such time as you alter your course. I MUST make myself available to ALL those whom seek me out, for it is part of my mission. So long as you can pay the price, we will continue until you decide we are done (and the price is time, not money!) Not only is it right for me, this is precisely where my feelings of fulfillment normally come from. You know yourself what a wonderful state of mind that is to be in, and what would you do to achieve it if it were possible for you? Teaching and guiding others, as God has created me for, is my source of this joyous fulfillment. As a matter of a fact, you will have to beat me off with a stick if allowed to fully open up and teach what Dad has taught me, for I get so much from it there mere time it takes (on my part) is never an issue. I have many times chosen to teach a seeker over all else. You know the feeling, what would you do?
You said: "I appreciate your mentioning of phone contact if you decide to proceed with me, but I am a person who must often take time "digesting" things - one who often realizes he is not "quick on his feet" and the opportunity to  read and re-read the printed word, as well as working and re-working the expression of my thoughts (at least to me) seems "wiser" -and perhaps "safer"(?) for now -and yet if this makes too much of a demand on your time and the phone would be more convenient for you -I will defer to that method of communication."
I understand and agree. If you ever decide your want to, or if you have some spiritual emergency, call me: (405) 850-5795 (cell) and tell me and I will call you back so the charges will be on me, not you. I have a cell plan with lots of minutes, so this is not usually a factor.
It is good and safe to be able to review what you want to say, before you send the message, so that you can be sure to "say what you mean" and "mean what you say." We shall continue this way as long as you wish. (BTW - I always save these conversations so if you ever reveal something you don't wish others to know, make sure you tell me that it is "confidential". I often use one persons journey to assist a similar person on their way. If a prior seeker had similar issues that you bring up, I might use their discussion with me as food for thought for you. I also sometimes use one person's issues to help another to see more clearly.
You said: "What is next ? Do I inquire what you would ask of me?"
If you are "ready", as you seem to be, and satisfied with me as your guide, yes; it is time for me to give you some test of sincerity. Ask and you will get it next message from me...
You said: "You asked if I had any questions for you -I have one -which I realize may be one which should not be asked at this time and may need much "leading up to". But it is the predominant question in my mind as we consider a beginning and may help you see who I am more clearly. It seems more than not to me that through the pages of your book, you wish the reader to see "God" primarily as the traditional Christian "God of Love"  and the love-relationship which you demonstrate with "Him" seems the all-encompassing end-all of being. I do not dispute this at all, but behind this do you see a more complex system of relationship(s) -what I mean is that in the thoughts of others God may have created more "intervening" levels of personhood between the humanly manifesting aspect of "us" and the ultimate "Himself". Well -I realize this question may have little or no absolute relevance or its relevancy may depend on the timeliness of its being posed, but in all honesty -it does run through my mind. As this shows, I have been concerned with "thinking" much of my life and even as I strive to increase the components of being which lie beyond "logic", it remains a large part of who I have been. I look forward to reading your thoughts at this stage of our contact."

I suspect that I do not clearly understand your question, but let me take a few stabs at your statements and see if i hit any thing...
A very interesting and thought-provoking idea: do I see a more complex system of relationship(s) -as others see God may have created more "intervening" levels of personhood between the humanly manifesting aspect of "us" and the ultimate "Himself". I have found Jesus, the person whom I have always spoken with in my "calling" to be very simple, humble, down-to-earth and humble. He has always explained His relationship with me as a Father with a son, and has always asked me to view us in this simple relationship. The closer I got to and with Him, the clearer I saw that truth resides in simplicity, always. When and where complexity appears is usually due to limited vision, scope, understanding or power. If I was all-powerful, all-understanding without limited scope of consideration or limited view, I would see ALL THINGS as utterly simple (as Dad tells me He sees them.) It is usually our desire to go where we have not the power or capacity to go that creates what we humans view as 'complexity'.
To answer you, No, I do not "see" a more complex system of relationships (as perhaps others may see) between Dad and myself. However, I do not discount that there may be deeper understandings or levels of relationships that He may have with others. With me, as I am simple-minded, He has always been simple with me. In all of my researching Him in all of the disguises He takes, in all of the religions and their truths I have pursued, in all of the dealings with God (the true ones, I suspect) that man has had and historically revealed to us, and in all of the individuals that have reported close relationships and interactions with Him (saints-passed, I call them) I have never found the relationship with Him, or He Himself to be complex... I have seen just the opposite!
Einstein knew he had the right formula for specific relativity when the very complex equations he was dealing with ultimately simplified into e=mc^2. This very simple formula was profound in its interaction with the entire universe, and all that there is, yet the mathematical description for this interaction is utterly simplistic. It is always thus. If it appears complex, you have not yet seen the truth of it, for truth is always simple. Now, there are other beings that we humans occasionally have to deal with, that are not us, or other humans, or God Himself. In these instances, there are very complex relationships and those allowed to glimpse this "purely spiritual" plane of existence are ofttimes very confused by what is "seen" there. If I was truly aware of what is going on spiritually, as well as physically, I would certainly perceive at least one spiritual entity here with me, guarding and protecting me spiritually. I might very well also find out that I have "assigned" to me some entity whose purpose is quite the opposite of this guardian. And each of these entities have their own "personalities", likes, dislikes, desires, wishes, hopes, etc. These beings and I, if interacting, will have very complex relationships.
Ofttimes spiritual seekers develop the ability to sense these spiritual entities, in some aspect, and they can be quite confusing to the uninitiated.
You must also realize, we can only "come from" the perspective that we have. We can only approach "truth" from the direction we are currently at, on the path we are on now. I strongly suggest you read, "The Blind Men and the Elephant" to get a hint of what I mean here.
Our perception is always colored and limited in scope and view based on our perspective. Our perspective is typically determined by our position relative to where we are looking. Where we have "come from" determines which way we are from "truth". Just as each blind man approached the elephant from a different path (perspective) and therefore each of them perceived the elephant differently, the real key is that each of them had a very limited "scope" (perspective) due to their limitations of experiencing only what was presented to them (based again on their perspective and path) and therefore, although each of them got a small piece of the truth of what an elephant was like, each of them was wrong in that their view was limited.
If I had been raised Buddhist, rather than Christian, my perspective would certainly be very different than it is today... HOWEVER, this does NOT change the TRUTH, only my perspective and limited view of it.
The elephant is not changed by the blind men's examination of him, but a wiser blind man should have perhaps reapproached the beast from different perspectives and he would have discovered a wider variety of facets and aspect of the elephant that he did not initially perceive.
Enough for now, clarify your question or give me greater details on what you want to know and we will further examine this elephant called Truth.

Peniel G.G.G.

Submitted: Fri, Dec 05, 2003 10:38 am

Subject:

Dear Peniel,

( I have wondered about your "new" name -did I miss an explanation of what it means/why God "reminded" you that it was your real name? Would you feel it proper to comment on this?)

Thank you again for the willingness to work with me. In the course of my life I have come to realize that there is always the possibility of my words being interpreted in a manner which is unintended as well as the possibility of mistaken perceptions of "who I am"  being derived from those "mis-impressions". I "feel" it is important to try to convey to you as closely as I can the state of the personality I am at present working through (although you may have a far greater understanding of that than I might realize!). In my life I have usually been more than willing to go the extra mile for anyone - but, for whatever reason, am always reluctant to "impose upon" or make demands of others. So, even though I understand your words concerning the great desire to help, I somewhat struggle against my usual proclivity to make little in the way of demands on people or their time. And at times when I wish to be the honestly open person I truly am (or at least wish I always were), my open honest desire to show who I am more often than not has made me seem foolish in the eyes of others. Again I may seem foolish, but I will allow myself to go with the feeling that at the risk of showing myself to be foolish and at the risk of babbling through your valuable time I will relate to you a (I am afraid) rather lengthy exposé of my past - solely with the best of intentions on my part because you may( at some level) "need" to see how I came to where I am and how and why I entertain the ideas that I have. Some of what follows will be a bit uncomfortable for me, and I "feel" much of it deals with matters which could be  extraneous to your spirituality. But still, at the risk of…I think I need to relate the following (many apologies in advance!) Several themes run throughout.

I was brought up in a strict Roman Catholic home and attended parochial grade and high school. With  the guilt of sin and the confessional and a priest who was all that a stereotypical fire and brimstone minister could be, I began my "participatory religious life" in making a first confession withholding sins that were "too  terrible" to relate to the priest, then going on to first communion ("knowing" that the boy ,whom I then was, was  now "condemned to hell"). Yet with the pressure of family and the religious society in which I was a member, I continued the "bad confession" and "sacriligious communions". You can imagine the state of mind  that boy lived in on a daily basis! Later in life, I would reflect on all  this, and believe that perhaps the "good" which came of it was that  parts of my personality were developed which would not otherwise have been . -I am not referring to feelings of knowing death would mean eternal punishment in hellfire, or "compulsive(?) eating disorders, or a strand of an inferiority complex or "feeling different". I mean an acute sense of "awareness" ,which (whether it was there before or not) would certainly give me all sorts of social and academic advantages over peers who in a comparative sense "slept" their way through existence. Perhaps also an enormous compassion for others comes from these experiences in my childhood. I have long been a high school teacher and the students I am drawn to and struggle to make life easier for" are those who aren't quite the "normal" or jock/cheerleader types.

Perhaps it led me to further develop my intellect than I would have. I do know that somewhere in those years I "rationalized" that if I was damned beyond religious help, I would make amends by "serving others". But whatever "gifts" arose were dearly paid for in the mind of that small boy! Later in early teen years, I tried to make it right with good confessions, etc. but discovered I was entangled in a net of "scrupulosity" ( perhaps as much as some say Luther was). And, perhaps like him, I  came not only to the conclusion  that good works might save me, but also that if the Church had done this to little boy, then the whole concept of the church as a valid religious vehicle needed re-examining -and for me the early conclusion was atheism. Later, after marriage I tried to "come back into the fold" but could never "buy into it" again. I let it all go -yet sent the kids to parochial school out of a sense of "it didn't work for me -but that is no reason to deny them the opportunity to experience religion and God". In my heart, I never viewed myself as a bad person -perhaps too much the opposite.

And I always felt I tried to help others however I could. For example, in my junior year in high school, the only office I  ran for  was student council president. I ran because I felt the others only wanted it for themselves and wouldn't make the effort to make it a better place for everyone (you can see the wild idealistic dreamer side of me!) -I campaigned and between the work of those who knew me and my speaking to the student body, the result was that I won. Thereafter I sacrificed much time and effort to deliver on my intention. With my "people skills and intellect" I also easily gained offices in college and felt I was "destined to save the world by being president"!!!!!! Then I "waited for the call" or direction -but nothing appeared  -at least not that I then recognized. Later I realized I didn't have to "make up for anything" and with that realization, the over-whelming drive to compensate by serving others through holding an office dissipated.

I subsequently decided my "emotional" side was not what was needed to lead others and chose the "quiet contemplative life". Later when I thought I had made the wrong decision, the marriage I was in and the circumstances stemming from the person I was married too precluded any changes -which created a deep sense of guilt which remained tantamount for many years -I still have a "feeling" that  I may have "missed the mission I was sent for" - in many ways as terrible  a thought to live with as the guilt and condemnation of boy's early religious experience! (And yet today, there is a "part of myself" which can "be the window" through which my "soul(?)" looks out and views all these things with equanimity, seeing  "doingness" as irrelevant to "beingness"! There was a time when I really could put aside the ego and perception of being the body and  "operate from a frame of being which was grounded in a "different" aspect of being. A framework of love.

    In your list of questions in the book you ask about aliens. This brings in another area of my life. As a boy I had several terrifying nightmares, which seemed to repeat night after night. At the time they seemed to deal with monsters (and that may very well be all there was to them). But the image of the "thing" "capturing" me (although to this day I have blurred the face and cannot se it clearly) is interestingly enough quite capable of being interpreted as one of "the greys".

  At the time of that period of my life I still recall the sense of dread and almost "presence" I felt. (in college, I had an experience of awakening to what I still believe was a dark being hovering above my face. But I "feel" this was a non-corporeal entity, not an "alien"). Why an alien connection? I and two of my friends in high school found ourselves in my parents backyard one very late night with an enormous triangular blue "craft" hovering not very high above our heads -what went on before that I am not sure. So-UFO's?-I have long KNOWN they are more than balls of light!

  You have mentioned a period of aridity in your life and a "challenging" daughter -I KNOW what you mean -it sounds like you have just alluded to my "problem" with my second oldest daughter! But before she eventually grew up and left the house, I grew to realize what a "gift" her presence really was! -the opportunity to be challenged, and when I finally "got it" -  the opportunity to "deal with it" in a God-inspired way (but unfortunately, that experience had so negatively contributed to the problems already existing between my wife and I, that it perhaps was" the event" which let me to know that that relationship was a hopeless one for me.)

   It was during the years of almost hopelessness with the relationship with my wife and second oldest that I really began the journey at a steady and determined pace, but the start was almost accidental. I had always been an "exercise freak" (remember the overweight and compulsive eating kid?). I would "escape" the chaos of the household and drive to a state park almost daily to run. The running and the "state of mind" it induced as well as sitting afterwards and re-discovering the absolute JOY of just being and being in nature led me to a tranquility of soul and peace of mind which was such that when I returned home, I could handle the chaos and hostility.

Eventually -although I didn't have the experience of talking with God, I did feel as though I was existing in a state which has been called "the true self", "the natural self" or existing while feeling the love of God -I had the sense of presence at times and operated from a" beingness of love" - As you have said -I remember the state of being and I can empathizes with Eckhardt Tolle when he laments his ensuing dark night of the soul - his period of "aridity".

  (Please forgive my wordiness- I really do feel embarassed -not at what I am saying (for it has been my truth), but in asking you to sift through this growing tale!)

  Now  for the "interesting" and perhaps more relevant part.

  As I young person -perhaps before my religious problem, I and a friend were out in my parent's front yard one evening gazing at the stars. We decided to wish with all our might that if there were "spacemen" they would come and let us ride with them. After going in the house and sitting in the kitchen (it was late and everyone was in bed) I heard my name called -but it was perplexing as it sounded as though the voice which spoke it was INSIDE my head! Not wanting to acknowledge this I went into the next room as if someone in the family had called out -but there was no one else there. I quickly left that area of the house and went to my room -denial is pretending it didn't happen and everything is alright. Years later, during my agonizing marriage where I was so despondent I often contemplated suicide -and the realization that my two youngest children NEEDED me to protect them (to some degree) from my second oldest and my wife -may have been the only thing which prevented me from "escaping", (I can't re member how close to exploring these thoughts it happened)  I heard the voice in my mind call my name twice. I lay still awaiting further developments but nothing more happened.

   Because of the circumstances of my life I had decided that if there was re-incarnation, I would refuse to return and I often expressed this sentiment. I had a dream in which I was being released from prison, and at the doorway the warden forcefully thrust a book into my midsection. I asked what it was. He replied that it was the rulebook. I said I didn't need it because I was getting out. He replied - Read it! Learn it! You WILL be back! I immediately awoke and knew beyond any doubt in my own mind that a message had very purposefully been conveyed to me. It was from that moment on that I determined to discover all I could about "the rules" and spent years exhaustively studying any and all things which seemed pertinent that I could get my hands on. One of my interests had always been history. I had been drawn to ancient history -the earliest known beliefs, religious ideas of cultures which had gone before. I wanted to discover what I could of what men thought/knew before the appearance of the Christian church. I had read most of what was available through the "orthodox" textbooks and had always scoffed at "the other things" as idiocy and nonsense. But very slowly as I expanded my research I discovered more and more which caused me to suspend my judgment. After years of study and research, I was amazed to realize that there seems to have been much of a very deep and pure spiritual nature which had been marginalized and sanitized. I came across the accounts (new to me at the time) of outright manipulation of documents and beliefs by various factions for various reasons. I was amazed at how widespread the " original perennial spirituality" had been. Among other things, I studied the Seth material, the Conversations with God series. I became aware of a much vaster system of belief and state of being. The rationale for creation and the various "roles" "we" play, and a concept which became very interesting to me was the concept of the "evolution of the soul (as CWG might phrase it), and coming from a totally different perspective( but with yet the same idea) was Seth's "value fulfillment" - that in essence we are sparks of God, we come from "out of" God and begin the journey of re-increasing our level of conscious awareness until we reach the total immersion again with our point of origin(perhaps through slow meticulous study, perhaps through instantaneous "enlightenment).  In CWG it was stated that "enlightenment" could be gradual or arrive all at once in one life time. The reason I refer so much to this will be made more clear in what follows.

  I seemed to be moving along nicely in acting from a beingness of love and to borrow such over worked terms -it became more and more commonplace and then quite natural

To "raise my kundalindi energy" which might also be somewhat stated as raising the level of conscious awareness. The BIG EVENT occurred as follows: one day I "had the sudden realization" that my "intuition" was becoming very strong. In my marriage there were always financial problems centering on my wife's health problems and spending habits.  I decided to go to a casino and see if I could do something about the finances using my "intuition". (I had been previously -my mother had asked me to take her on a regular basis -but we both always lost and I had all but decided not to go again.) I let my intuition guide me to a slot machine and after a period of time hit a nice jackpot. Afterwards, I continued "trying out" this possible new area of "
ability", but with not a great deal of continual success afterwards.Then I remember playing a machine which would "hit" a hundred dollar payoff, then take it all back, then hit again and I remember thinking, if only I knew when to play it -then a voice again in my mind said I'll tell myself when to play.-It was like the episodes of my name being called -it was nothing to do with the "normal me". After that, this voice would suddenly say things to me such as "Stop, go down to the second floor (as I followed its direction it would continue) Turn right. Go forward turn left, turn around, play this machine and the machine would immediately pay out several hundred dollars -sometimes before I could even gather in the coins I would be directed to a second machine which hit immediately. The voice was not continuous, but came at unexpected times. I had no feeling of any good or evil presence-and somehow it seemed to be "me" speaking to myself. (In retrospect it is bizarre that I was never "dialoged with on other topics nor was Idirected to any thing but quarter machines and never for more than  a few hundred dollars' jackpot. But it continued and I was able to pay our bills and even have a small amount of money for extras and emergencies. I am still trying to figure out exactly what this was. God does work in mysterious ways, but if it were he, why not speak of something more important than small things such as little slot machine payoffs? The voice soon stopped, but I found I could simply look at a machine and know if it was ready to pay out ( please take this seriously -as stupid as it all sounds!) That phase passed and I felt if I (for lack of a better word) concentrated on altering my consciousness (which I became adept at for a while) I would lead myself right to a machine which would "hit" and after stopping concentrating found that I could feel literal tugging at my solar plexus area pulling me to a machine that would "hit". I remember an earlier dialog in my head where the voice told me the day and time to board to hit a jackpot, which would be in the thousands. I often wondered if all this was just to get my attention/just to help me financially/ -or (and here might be a key) afterwards, I had decided to use this ability and go for large jackpots to ease the financial future for quite awhile down the road( do more than just marginally get by) and deliberately made the decision instead of being led to jackpots as they arose, I would seek out bigger jackpots even if it meant waiting for them. Successful at first, I over-reached myself (-Faust?). And would play "the right machine" but after awhile begin to doubt and give up only to see it "hit" soon afterward by someone else. I had even been able to directed-dream  - to receive the info the night before in a dream as to which machine would hit -it worked -the only problem (like the lamp's three wishes) were I couldn't tell how long I would have to wait before it hit and often gave up too soon. Then I would become frustrated and angry (I had become so caught up in this -all with the best of intentions and purpose at the start) that I couldn't see how this was slowly replacing my woodland idylls and "quiet time". Eventually I wound up "wasting time and money" and (as I know see) the way I chose and let myself become engulfed in this "winning money" thing was causing the frustration to turn into anger and feelings of having been set up and "betrayed". I (shamedly I tell you this -) found a deep inner anger dominating my life and I spent many an hour cursing "the powers that be" with all my might -terrible blaspheming ! (especially as I looked at all the  events of my entire life with all the pain and suffering and trauma -which seemed to have been unending. I had also been very disappointed when, after reading A Course on Miracles, I believed that I had been ready to yield the ego side of me up to God -and when I made that commitment, I was flabbergasted that nothing happened/changed - perhaps I have learned that our appraisal of our readiness cannot be trusted -"all in God's time-?)  As the anger grew (of course) the feeling of being a center of love( and projecting that) dried up totally ( I now realize to a fuller extent, the implication of Christ's comments about the rich man and the eye of a needle!). Severe depression, yet anger at God or whatever. I have come through it enough to now realize all this and to realize that even if "conditions" "led" me to these actions, I had allowed it and chose the path and chose the anger and even hatred and chose to blame something else other than myself. Before quite reaching bottom I several times was able to "turn it around" -but yet used the slot machines as a "test" of where I was  -strangely enough it seemed just when I got frustrated enough to quit playing this game (several times) on almost my "last" attempt a huge jackpot would appear from nowhere -but yet would over time disappear into the machines and whenever I was about to stop again, another big "hit -as though on the very last throw "something" was making sure I DIDN"T stop.  Well, eventually I did, but the anger, feelings of being set up and betrayed and all that had their toll (of course!) on my spiritual life. I am still uncertain as to how/why these "miraculous" powers came or went. And, even though it is said that in avoiding judging others, we must also refrain from judging ourselves, the belief that God does offer a relationship to us  - with the result that if it is not being experienced,  it is because of a failing on our part - well this realization makes it very difficult to avoid feeling oneself a remarkable failure -  and "obviously" very unworthy! The idea does enter my mind that whatever I am trying to reach/be/attain/accomplish in this life maybe something that for whatever reason, I just cannot attain. That if the lack of such realization exists, then I have failed to do what is "required" -a very sobering thought, indeed. And yet there are still moments where I really do feel I should just "be me", take life as it comes and what is destined to happen will happen or it won't!

    This (thank heavens) brings us to the reason I posed you the question about God creating intervening levels of "personhood" According to Walsch and Seth it is the way creation functions -multi-layered with "us" here being a fraction of the "higher-self" we are part of. And that higher self being part of a higher self all the way back to the Source.
If there is only God , why would He have led me into all this knowing the outcome? Was it the "natural" evolution of "me" toward my higher self and the resultant use of inherent (but usually latent) abilities? Was it an "entity" of some sort to either get vicarious entertainment, or working for my eventual "downfall" Trying to answer these questions seemed to have much importance for me -perhaps pointing to "the Truth". I KNOW these abilities were not part of me as the "normal" human being -I am not sure where they came from or why .(I have been wrong so many times in my life about so many things  I "knew" to be true, that I now hold almost everything with a grain of salt/in abeyance-but I don't think THE  devil; exists -but there are beings of evil-intent:-maybe that is hairsplitting -I firmly believe that the only Hell is the one we create - which lasts only as long as we continue to create it.)

  So, I again apologize for the length of this, and hope I have done "the right thing" in determining to present this to you. Again, I say that in the beginning my motives were of good intent, but realize how this was my downward slide. Knowing how much you love "Dad" I would rather not have told you of my anger and cursing -but I own it and now believe even that may have been a necessary part of the road I am on. I am not proud of it, but do own up to it. Let me say that throughout my life (even though perhaps in broken segments) I have sought to do the good and become what I should be. At times things have stuck out and have registered in me as almost a knowing -for instance, in high school the line of "hiding your light under a bushel" hit me and I knew it was an admonition which drove me to service -and also caused regret that I wouldn't, then couldn't follow a political service life. The dream of the book -I knew what it meant (to me re-incarnation is the only thing that makes sense if the soul evolves slowly and one does not "make it in one life time". Another thing that seemed ordinary but personally hit me like a ton of bricks at the time (30-40 years ago) and still comes up in times of difficulty is: "Our greatest glory is not in never having fallen, but in falling each time rising up again" - it almost seemed to tell me life would be very difficult on a continuing cyclical basis and my task was to persevere and rise each time - but oh, the pain and the frustration and the depression!. The last "fall" has been the most difficult for it involved falling from the highest height I had been able to reach in this lifetime( I am not referring to  a "special gift for gambling, but the state of loving-being I continually operated from prior to falling from all that) -at times I didn't think I could do it again, haltingly, slowly, I have started in jerks and fresh falls, but I am determined -I shall not waste the opportunity of this life. I may never "make it", but I will hopefully continue to make the attempt to keep putting one foot in front of the other for as long as I can. If I fall again, I hope to muster the strength to learn from it, and to get up once again -for however long it takes. Even as I write this, I am "amazed to "hear myself" tell myself "truths" I had forgotten. Well. I have spent too much time on this (especially in view of your comment about "simplicity" "being a virtue" - well, at least as far as The Truth is concerned!), please accept this as coming from my best intentions so that by this reading you may better decide your course of action from this point.

David

P.S. Please be aware that I only have e mail access through my classroom computer on schooldays.

P.P.S. In answer to your inquiry of how I discovered your book -I was shopping on the net and saw your comments about one of the CWG books, this led to my looking for your text and then ordering it.

Submitted: Sat, Dec 06, 2003 8:27 pm

Subject: Stage 1: Purgation - Basic Questions

David,
It will take me a while to respond to such verbosity... Don't worry, I have a clear path for you, but it will take some doing to help you to see this path, as you have grown quite a tangled and complex jungle over it. (I feel for you, you must be very confused in your spirit.)

I would like for you to spend some time thinking about the basic spiritual question, as we will have to start there to begin and unclutter your way. To help you on your way, let me start you off and then you can expand with similar questions while I prepare my response to you.
I want you to create a "Personal Logbook" in which we will track your journey. Get yourself a looseleaf notebook, and about 20 pages in, white down and answer the questions I pose for you here (or type them in the computer and print them if that is easier.) Also print out the series of emails we have already been through and put them in there also.
We will now start your journey.
PURGATION: As a beginning, let us start by figuring out where we (as I am now 'with' you) "are" (i.e. what you believe.) We need to do this so that we can then determine which way to go from here. We MUST start from here, no matter where here is, for "here" is where you truly are. We MUST determine where HERE is, if we wish to advance, rather than retreat, for to move any direction without a clear understanding of where you are will always be the wrong path.
Our first task is to determine where we currently "are". We shall be in the first stage of spiritual progression, called "purgation" whose primary purpose is to "purge" ourselves of that which is false, wrong, untrue, unneeded, incorrect, inappropriate, a hindrance, and or a wall between us and truth. It is NOT the time to learn new things, but rather, the time to UNLEARN those things which are causing your confusion, complexity and fear. As a guide, this is where I choose to take you first.
In order to untangle a complex knot (as it appears you have gotten your mind and spirit in) it is always best to start over with the basics, reexamine things from a fresh perspective, and often much of the complexity will simplify and much of the confusion will turn to clarity. Each item starts: "Do I believe and accept as true that:..." (It must be YES or NO, but can have clarifications)
1.) There is/may be a Creator
2.) There is/may be a God for me (not a God someone else showed me, told me about, or taught me of)
3.) There is/may be a Higher Intelligence  non-human than us
4.) There is/may be more than one Creator
5.) There is/may be more than one God for me
6.) There is/may be more than one Higher Intelligence non-human being
7.) There is/may be non-human, non-angelic (angels and demons), non-earthly intelligent beings (aliens)
8.) There is/may be contact between us (human earthlings) and these aliens
9.) There is/may be aliens very similar in nature, personality and composition to us on other worlds, with history like ours
10.) There is/may be a heaven (a place of eternal happiness where some humans will ultimately reside)
11.) There is/may be a hell (a place of eternal unhappiness where some humans will ultimately reside)
12.) There is/may be "other" eternal places, other than these 2 that we are unaware of
13.) There is/may be more than one of me (as a individual person) [e.g. I am not necessarily a unique personality]
14.) There is/may be more than one earthly life-cycle that I must/can go through (reincarnation)
15.) There is/may be more than one earthly life-cycle that I must/can go through and as different species (birds, plants, us)

16.) There is/may be 'spiritual forces' that are there to help me

17.) There is/may be 'spiritual forces' that are there to hurt me

18.) There is/may be a 'leader' of these spiritual forces on both sides

19.) There is/may be a purpose for my life (separate and individual from all others)

20.) There is/may be a way for me to discover this purpose for my life

21.) The nature of the Creator is a loving father

22.) The Creator's chosen role with us is that of a loving father

23.) The Creator cares about my daily problems and concerns

24.) The Creator wants me to have success, well-being and good-fortune

25.) The Creator has the power to assist me

26.) The Creator, like us, has His own individual personality

27.) The Creator, like us, has certain things that He likes, and other things that He dislikes

28.) The Creator, like us, has the power to choose to do as He wants

29.) The Creator, unlike us, never lies

30.) The Creator, unlike us, keeps his promises

(To help you come up with many more of you own, consider that you have been given the task of determining what spiritual belief structure (religion) an intelligent alien has and what type of "Creator" he believes in (what is the nature of this being.) Pretend you are devising a set of simple questions to ask him to help clarify for me what this alien "believes".) I suspect that as you begin considering and answering these questions, you may receive some peace of mind (as you discard and remove those barriers you have placed between your mind and peace.)

As I work out a response to you last email, please answer and clarify (if you feel it needs such) these questions for me, then add as many of your own as you will and answer them also. Send all of this to me and from that, we shall determine what further questions to ask or which direction to begin traveling.

May Dad give you the strength to continue and the grace to persevere.

Peniel G.G.G.

Submitted: Sun, Dec 07, 2003 2:32 am

Subject: Your next step

David,

First, a few lessons for you (please put these in the logbook you are supposed to have made and start keeping!)

Lesson 001: Life is really much more simple that most of us see it. The spiritual life is a journey, a path upon which we must all tread. Much of the journey is already laid out for us and we have little choice as to the direction it may lead us. If we get off the path intended for us, it will surely be a more difficult road. At each end of life's journey is a destination. The path we choose will ultimately determine the destination we will arrive at. In truth, there is only one path for each of us that we may take, but it goes in two different directions (forwards and backwards.) There are sideturns, and short distractionary sidepaths, but ultimately, it is not up to us to choose the path we are upon, it has been chosen for us.
Lesson 1 stated in a Christian context: Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No man goes to the Father except through me. All who find the Father, first find me. If you know me, you know the way to the Father."
Now, what IS our choice along life's spiritual path is basically fourfold:
1.) Which way we will go (our direction)
2.) How quickly we will advance along our path (our pace)
3.) What do we choose to do at each stopping place along our path (our life's events)
4.) How do we feel about the choices we are making along our path (our attitude)
Lesson 002: There are no accidents in life. There is no such thing as chance or luck in spiritual matters. Everything that happens is as a result of our choices, OR, it is "chosen for us". For those whom are in a good relationship with the Creator: all things work for their benefit and good. For those whom the Creator does not favor: few things work for their benefit or good (for to do so would encourage the person in the wrong direction - a thing a loving Father would never do and rarely allows.)
Lesson 2 stated in a Christian context: "All things work for the good of those whom love the Lord."
Lesson 003: Most people are generally lazy spiritually: They won't really change their lives until their lives are so bad that they have to change them or they will die! (Peniel G.G.G.)
Please keep these lessons in mind as I comment on your verbose email so that you can understand "where I am coming from" in my answers. These above lessons are things that I believe and live by.
As promised, I will take some of what you wrote and comment on it. I will comment on all of it (although my comments my beat up your verbosity.) I will comment in black (and blue for emphasis) and your text will be in red.
---------------------------------------------------
( I have wondered about your "new" name -did I miss an explanation of what it means/why God "reminded" you that it was your real name? Would you feel it proper to comment on this?)
When Jesus first came and appeared to me, shortly before He began the conversations He had with me, he called me by that name "Peniel". I did not understand then that this was my "true" name, unlike my given-name "Mark" - something that sounded good to my parents at my birth. I understand from Him that He often reveals seekers true name's to them (and through me, he has done so to almost every one whom came under my serious guidance.) If you are interested, look it up. It is old common-tongue Hebrew, and is a perfect description of "who I am" based on the life-changing event that He sent to me. The name "defines" me. It is "who I am."
Thank you again for the willingness to work with me. In the course of my life I have come to realize that there is always the possibility of my words being interpreted in a manner which is unintended as well as the possibility of mistaken perceptions of "who I am" being derived from those "mis-impressions". I "feel" it is important to try to convey to you as closely as I can the state of the personality I am at present working through
I understand. I also have to ofttimes resort to verbosity to ensure clarity.
(although you may have a far greater understanding of that than I might realize!).
At times Dad will put words in my mouth that don't seem to mean much to me, bu they 'hit home" with the person being taught. It is very common along the "path".
In my life I have usually been more than willing to go the extra mile for anyone - but, for whatever reason, am always reluctant to "impose upon" or make demands of others. So, even though I understand your words concerning the great desire to help, I somewhat struggle against my usual proclivity to make little in the way of demands on people or their time.
Interesting bipolarism, we shall have to discuss this. I am certain that there is some false belief (as is always the case) causing you to have this seemingly contradictory set of beliefs. It is also good in that it reveals much about your "early" and therefore "initial" choice of how to "be good" and "what should I do" with my life / time. You will later see that this statement of yours above will hold the key as to what your destined "path" is (i.e. What is it that Dad really wants you to do with your life - what is your personal mission in life?)
And at times when I wish to be the honestly open person I truly am (or at least wish I always were), my open honest desire to show who I am more often than not has made me seem foolish in the eyes of others.
Here you have pointed out the key to almost everything regarding we humans! We should BE the person we truly ARE (which as you indicated for yourself includes the aspects of honesty, openness, and a willingness to SHOW that person to others.) And, in so doing, I can guarantee that you have also pointed out your dilemma and core problem - you are NOT being the person your truly are... rather, you are putting on masks to appeal to others, and you are wearing costumes that you think others will approve of, and you are hiding the true characteristics that YOU as a person have (for fear of others rejecting them) and you have traded away your integrity for safety and your openness for security and your honesty for acceptance - Or do I owe you an apology here? ;)
Again I may seem foolish, but I will allow myself to go with the feeling that at the risk of showing myself to be foolish and at the risk of babbling through your valuable time I will relate to you a (I am afraid) rather lengthy exposé of my past - solely with the best of intentions on my part because you may( at some level) "need" to see how I came to where I am and how and why I entertain the ideas that I have.
I never view one of my brothers or sisters, a child of the True God, as foolish! Now, we ofttimes "act" foolishly, or make foolish mistakes, but then, we are human after all... Do not be so hard on yourself... that is my job! Also understand, you are NOT what you do, and you are NOT what you choose. How therefore could YOU ever be foolish? (The God I know doesn't make junk, and none of his children, not even you, are fools!) And I understand about your need to ramble on in order to get it all out of your system. Self-confession, especially to a spiritual director is VERY GOOD and will bring your both grace and peace - just wait and see how you feel after you know that you have revealed all of these intimacies to a total stranger. You will "feel" much better as if a heavy weight were lifted from you. And you are correct, it is helpful for me to "see" where you think you are. This can be partially deduced by my seeing "where" you are coming from and where you think you are at.
Some of what follows will be a bit uncomfortable for me, and I "feel" much of it deals with matters which could be extraneous to your spirituality. But still, at the risk of…I think I need to relate the following (many apologies in advance!) Several themes run throughout.
If you are concerned about offending me spiritually, don't worry - I have seen it all. I have smelt what almost every slick-packaged new-age guru is stepping in and and what they have tried to sell us. I have studied all of the major religions and have studied "pre-Christian" religions and theologies from the Greeks all the way up to the modern day Freaks. I have spoken for 13 years with Jesus Christ Himself, and He has revealed much Truth to me (not that there was anything hidden or untold before, but 'my' personal understanding of it was severely lacking before He brought the light with Him for me.) I have had dealing with demons at great length and they have sometimes been given their way with me. I know their desires, and I know their ticks and tricks. I have been the free-lance mystic guru (and pizza chef) for over a hundred disciples over the last 30 years, and every disciple of mine (if they stuck with it) wound up going in the right direction on the path, and usually far from where the began with me. I have dealt with persons whom had only a few months to live and God was giving them one last chance through me. I have dealt with the silliest, flightiest, head-full-of-new-aged-gobbeldy-gook-until-I-can't-see-straight lost souls, and although not all were helped by me, none has ever shaken the firm rock and foundation of LOGIC, REASON and TRUTH that Dad laid for me and built upon.
I was brought up in a strict Roman Catholic home and attended parochial grade and high school. With the guilt of sin and the confessional and a priest who was all that a stereotypical fire and brimstone minister could be, I began my "participatory religious life" in making a first confession withholding sins that were "too terrible" to relate to the priest,
Again, these very early dealings in your spiritual life will be very helpful for you later when you begin the stage of "Illumination" and seek clarity.
Now, let me get this straight: as a young child (first confession) you had already committed sins "too terrible" to relate to the priest? Something doesn't smell right here. First of all, unless you were a teenager (I doubt) I cannot imagine in my mind (and with what Truth God has revealed to me) what you could have possibly done that was "so terrible". I suspect that what you meant to say (but did NOT say) was that you "thought" at that time that this sin was "so terrible" that you chose not to reveal it to the priest. Let me guess, it was of a sexual nature - Or do I owe you another apology here? ;)
Interesting, for a young child should neither have the grasp of this sort of "seriousness" of sin, nor be capable of it, nor even be able to comprehend such spiritual gravity. According to the Catholic Catechism, you should have understood that the priest is "Christ's representative" and actually "takes His place" in the confessional (i.e. you are not confessing to a man, but rather to God Himself whom has taken the form of this priest for your benefit and comfort.) If you had realized / understood this, and if you believed that God sees all, you are merely restating what He already knows full well that you did, for He saw you do it initially. If you had the mind enough to understand the severity of some sins, I would have suspected you would have understood that the priest acts as God's "stand-in" and the primary reason is so that you can gain the benefit of confession, reconciliation, AND guidance and counseling.
then going on to first communion ("knowing" that the boy ,whom I then was, was now "condemned to hell").
Again, very interesting. I am assuming you are a youth here, 5 to 10 years old. It is rare that a child at that age would grasp (honestly) such concepts and therefore have such deep-seated guilt complex over his serious choices he made. Perhaps you are flavoring your early memories without knowing it? Or, perhaps you were given a deeply spiritual mind at a very early age... It happens, though very rare.
Yet with the pressure of family and the religious society in which I was a member, I continued the "bad confession" and "sacrilegious communions". You can imagine the state of mind that boy lived in on a daily basis! Later in life, I would reflect on all this, and believe that perhaps the "good" which came of it was that parts of my personality were developed which would not otherwise have been .
Here we should talk in terms of the path. According to what you have said, you made a conscious choice at your first confession, and this choice turned your direction on the path (in my terms.) You then, rather than correcting this direction, continued making choices to continue in the same direction (sacrilegious communions.) You realize that these were "wrong" choices but you also believe that some good may have come from these bad choices.
-I am not referring to feelings of knowing death would mean eternal punishment in hellfire, or "compulsive(?) eating disorders, or a strand of an inferiority complex or "feeling different". I mean an acute sense of "awareness" ,which (whether it was there before or not) would certainly give me all sorts of social and academic advantages over peers who in a comparative sense "slept" their way through existence. Perhaps also an enormous compassion for others comes from these experiences in my childhood. I have long been a high school teacher and the students I am drawn to and struggle to "make life easier for" are those who aren't quite the "normal" or jock/cheerleader types. I guess I am unclear on how making some wrong choices and going the wrong way upon life's path assisted you to develop parts of your personality which would "not" have otherwise been. The key here is the word "not". I suspect I understand what you are referring to, but these "parts of your personality" you may have developed STRICTLY as a result of going the wrong way on the path (and would not have done otherwise.) I am afraid that you may find that these are not "good qualities" or "traits" to have, although they may appear that way to you currently. I know this, virtually NOTHING GOOD ever comes from our VIEW when we are looking the wrong way down the path. Oh, there may be some power there, but it is never a GOOD thing to have. There are powers and abilities that we may think would be sweet to posses, but, the end result of having these powers, even for a short time or in small amounts, ALWAYS ends in our feeling angry, frustrated and /or betrayed. We can never ADVANCE along the path in the right direction using the tools and powers we may get while traveling backwards along this path (you will see this, eventually.) At this point, I would like to introduce you to another book I wrote titled, "The Box". It is about a man whom receives great power (and knowledge) from a small box and the choices he makes in using this box of power. It is a novel, and I would like very much to send you an electronic copy. All of the information in it would be helpful for you, although you are past it's main spiritual points already. Tell me if you are interested and I will send an electronic copy to you (Adobe PDF format.) Now, as an example, imagine if a person was given the power to see his current surroundings 5 minutes into the future by looking through a special set of glasses that he has been given. You might think that such a power, given to the right person, could do a great deal of good for them. I tell you, it will ALL end in EVIL. And the person whom accepts such a thing will end up feeling angry, frustrated and /or betrayed. I speak from MANY personal experiences here, in which just such things happened in my life before I gained the wisdom to reject those parts of my abilities that were not "appropriate". I will eventually guide you to understand how to tell what aspects of you accepted spirituality are this way, if you continue. (Again, I almost always merely make observations and suggestions, it is typically up to YOU to make the actual choices being discussed. I very rarely will demand anything of you, for love does not normally make demands...)
Perhaps it led me to further develop my intellect than I would have. I do know that somewhere in those years I "rationalized" that if I was damned beyond religious help, I would make amends by "serving others". But whatever "gifts" arose were dearly paid for in the mind of that small boy! Later in early teen years, I tried to make it right with good confessions, etc. but discovered I was entangled in a net of "scrupulosity" ( perhaps as much as some say Luther was).
And this is a good example of what I just said. No amount or number of good "acts" or "deeds" can ever make up for even one sin (injustice, self-failure.) To attempt to justify an earlier choice to do what you knew you "should-not" do by now doing a hundred good things is like trying to heal the knife-wound you inflicted on your friend by now telling him what a great guy he is and how much you enjoy his company and fixing him sandwiches and cokes. I hope you see a little light here. And no one is ever "damned beyond religious help". I should hope that you were scrupulous, for the alternate choice while facing the wrong way on the path is apathy!
And, perhaps like him, I came not only to the conclusion that good works might save me, but also that if the Church had done this to little boy, then the whole concept of the church as a valid religious vehicle needed re-examining -and for me the early conclusion was atheism.
I want you to VERY CAREFULLY examine your statement above, for here we see where you lost your greatest treasure. And upon this statement, you traded away your integrity for acceptance. I can understand why you would lie to yourself at this stage, it is very common. But, it appears that you are still lying to yourself, and that you still accept and live by this false belief. However, do not think that I accept or believe your lie. I see it for just what it is. I don't mind if you intend to deceive yourself, but do not think you can drag me into your self-deception here. You need to send this statement back to me modified to be TRUTHFUL, or to acknowledge you self-deception, or we need to further discuss this event. Here's a hint: Human Maturity is the measure of a person's willingness to accept personal responsibility! Later, after marriage I tried to "come back into the fold" but could never "buy into it" again. I let it all go -yet sent the kids to parochial school out of a sense of "it didn't work for me -but that is no reason to deny them the opportunity to experience religion and God". In my heart, I never viewed myself as a bad person -perhaps too much the opposite. Isn't it such a God-awful shame that such an early event, so trivial in it's essence, can for so long keep us standing on the wrong side of the road, facing traffic whizzing by us, so dangerous to us personally, getting nowhere in such a hurry. Never seeing the beautiful vistas we were supposed to have seen, spending almost all of our time dodging traffic... And, so unfortunate that such bad choices are made by such good persons...
And I always felt I tried to help others however I could. For example, in my junior year in high school, the only office I ran for was student council president. I ran because I felt the others only wanted it for themselves and wouldn't make the effort to make it a better place for everyone (you can see the wild idealistic dreamer side of me!) -I campaigned and between the work of those who knew me and my speaking to the student body, the result was that I won. Thereafter I sacrificed much time and effort to deliver on my intention. With my "people skills and intellect" I also easily gained offices in college and felt I was "destined to save the world by being president"!!!!!! Then I "waited for the call" or direction -but nothing appeared -at least not that I then recognized. Later I realized I didn't have to "make up for anything" and with that realization, the over-whelming drive to compensate by serving others through holding an office dissipated. Yeah, yeah, you are a great guy. Of that, I have no doubt. Everyone I have ever met is really a great guy, deep down. We are all children of God, a great King. So we are all princes and princesses. You are my spiritual brother, and I truly care for you. I know well how valuable you are to both God and myself. Dad has already shown me in much greater detail and scope just what a prize you are to us. I alread know your beauty and worth and value. You do not have to convince me (if that is your intention here.) I see you as one of the lost sheep that Jesus refers to that I might lend a hand in recovering from out of the ditch, so that God might rejoice and have a great celebration over the return of one of His lost children! I know what He intends for you to do, and how severe the impact of your not doing it will be to all of us. I am grateful that He has given me the rare opportunity to assist one as valuable as you along your path.
Remember, life is a journey, we are on a path? What if we suddenly wound up in a bad place, going in the wrong direction, with danger at every turn. The real problem is that it is so difficult to remember that your purpose is to drain the swamp when you are up to your ass in alligators every day!
And, unfortunately, all of our good works are as filthy rags, unfit, unclean... UNACCEPTABLE to God - unless WE are at the time of doing these good works also ACCEPTABLE to God. (Sorry, David, I must call a spade a spade and not pull any punches if we are to make any real progress.) I understand that MANY good people do many great things... and all for a loss for at the time they do these wonderful things, they have already turned their back on God (remember the path, and the direction...) It is not God's fault or desire that their good works go unacknowledged or unrewarded... yet, to do otherwise would be encouragement for one to continue facing the wrong direction... I hope you can see this.
I subsequently decided my "emotional" side was not what was needed to lead others and chose the "quiet contemplative life". Later when I thought I had made the wrong decision, the marriage I was in and the circumstances stemming from the person I was married too precluded any changes -which created a deep sense of guilt which remained tantamount for many years -I still have a "feeling" that I may have "missed the mission I was sent for" - in many ways as terrible a thought to live with as the guilt and condemnation of boy's early religious experience! (And yet today, there is a "part of myself" which can "be the window" through which my "soul(?)" looks out and views all these things with equanimity, seeing "doingness" as irrelevant to "beingness"!
It would be very difficult to have become a "contemplative" with the view you must have had. I would have suspected that if you had tried that sidepath, it would have caused you much pain and difficulty very quickly. (It is not easy to lovingly start at what is seen as devastation and waste...)
Again and again, you reiterate how looking backwards, from so many years ago, and having never turned around, what a fruitless landscape to behold. What a devastated landscape is lost hope, what a terrible ravaged field is banished choice. Again, you choose NOT to accept the responsibility for the choices YOU MADE.
I also see how you can have strong feelings of having "missed the mission you were sent here to do" for the work God has wanted you to be doing, which ONLY you could do, has gone undone for many years now... But, there is hope. You are given this chance with me to perhaps, one last time, be willing to SEE what you must do.
And that feeling of guilt and condemnation that you have over your earlier choices: I thank God you still feel it and pray that He increases these feeling of guilt and condemnation until it is unbearable to you... for this has been His greatest gift to you throughout these years, and you have felt it a curse. I pray that you are so overwhelmed with remorse and guilt that God's Grace may finally be able to crack open your shell a little, and that some of the Divine Light might flood into your personality so that you can see clearly what you must soon do!
I hear you. I feel and know your pain. I feel for you. I understand you, very clearly. I have seen it many many times in others lives, just as you have stated it here. I hope and pray you will have the courage and that God will grant you the grace and strength to make the hard choices you shall soon face. I pray and fervently ask Dad to be merciful with you, now that you have show signs of a willingness to examine where you are. Perhaps even the courage to finally TURN, and therein turn your life's direction around (after so many wasted years... God, what a shame...) BUT, rejoice! You are but a simple TURN from facing the rest of your destiny in the way Dad has so often lovingly called you, so many times have you rejected His still small voice, eventually fading in the high-pitched drone of your daily stage play of calamities and complexities you surround yourself with... all in a vain effort to refuse to see the simple and relentless choice that Dad has pursued you with all of your life. And what's up with this "doingness" and "beingness"? Sounds like new-aged gobbeldy-gook to me. Does taking this complicated view of relations and life help you to relieve the pain and suffering of the guilt you constantly bear? Do you think that if life and God are complicated enough, then perhaps we can be relieved of our responsibility of doing what we KNOW He Wants us to do?
There was a time when I really could put aside the ego and perception of being the body and "operate from a frame of being which was grounded in a "different" aspect of being. A framework of love.
I find that hard to believe, but I can understand why you would want to believe it yourself...
In your list of questions in the book you ask about aliens. This brings in another area of my life. As a boy I had seeveral terrifying nightmares, which seemed to repeat night after night. At the time they seemed to deal with monsters (and that may very well be all there was to them). But the image of the "thing" "capturing" me (although to this day I have blurred the face and cannot se it clearly) is interestingly enough quite capable of being interpreted as one of "the greys".
A quick question - did these dreams come before or after your first confession? - Or do I owe you another apology here? ;)
At the time of that period of my life I still recall the sense of dread and almost "presence" I felt. (in college, I had an experience of awakening to what I still believe was a dark being hovering above my face. But I "feel" this was a non-corporeal entity, not an "alien"). Why an alien connection? I and two of my friends in high school found ourselves in my parents backyard one very late night with an enormous triangular blue "craft" hovering not very high above our heads -what went on before that I am not sure. So-UFO's?-I have long KNOWN they are more than balls of light!
I am surprised that they left you alone so much. They never gave me much rest. Boy, the minute I was facing the wrong direction, they were all over me like flies on shit. I had UFO experiences, demonic obsession, paranoid delusions, you name it. Back in 78 and 79 they damn near killed me! (Oh, they would have loved to do that, if they had been allowed... for they knew full well just how many people I was going to turn from them, and they knew what kind of work and service those whom I helped turn were going to do for Dad...) I suspect that if they don't really fear that you might quickly make an alternate choice, and turn away from THEM, they might very well just leave you alone and to your own devices... Even before Jesus came, THEY CAME! Oh yeah, I had voices. And they told me amazing things. They led me down the path as far as they thought I would buy-in to. Man, I got my life so mixed up and complicated, you wouldn't believe it. Then they dragged me through depressions and fear. I had paranoid delusions that our parakeet and the wires behind the stereo were plotting to kill me. My poor wife had to suffer through all of the crap that I put us through, all from my bad choices, and then my denial of responsibility for them.
Oh well, this is about you, not me. Just understand, you are not the lone ranger here, others have been through the terrors and pain you have gone through. Fortunately for you, yours is going to be an utterly simple (though not necessarily easy to accept) resolution. You have mentioned a period of aridity in your life and a "challenging" daughter -I KNOW what you mean -it sounds like you have just alluded to my "problem" with my second oldest daughter!
Why do I smell refusal of personal responsibility coming up even before I read this? BTW - You misread me, I have never had a challenging daughter or relationship with her (she is a treasure and a gift form God - an angel...) What I was saying is that I had a young daughter whom I "wanted to love and feel loving toward" when I was in one of my aridities. She was so beautiful and good and sweet and smart, yet, because of my aridity I felt nothing towards her. THIS was the terrible thing, to not be able to feel the justified deep love I had for her, or even my darling wife. No matter, in your misreading, you have further revealed some truths about yourself, and perhaps the misreading touched a Freudian chord in you somewhere.
But before she eventually grew up and left the house, I grew to realize what a "gift" her presence really was!
Well hallelujah! You have finally expressed some love and truth and taken some personal responsibility in this statement... - Or do I owe you another apology here? ;)
-the opportunity to be challenged, and when I finally "got it" - the opportunity to "deal with it" in a God-inspired way (but unfortunately, that experience had so negatively contributed to the problems already existing between my wife and I, that it perhaps was" the event" which let me to know that that relationship was a hopeless one for me.)
You see, even the small good that you "could" do (as a loving father to your daughter) is stolen away from you by your false belief that a person is what they do. You refused to love your daughter whom deserved and would have greatly benefited from your love - because you saw her as her actions and her actions were not worthy of love. You should love people for "who they are" and never mistake THEM for "what they do". Jesus, Dad has persisted in loving you for so many years while you obstinately refuse to talk to Him, and you stand with your back to Him. He has never given up on you, and has now even gone to the lengths of sending you a personal guide, and the greatest one of those around! (No brag - just fact.) He must really love you to let you occupy so much of my time (which is of great consequence, you understand) and to make me feel so compelled to walk beside you for a ways, and even in giving me great joy and fulfillment in responding to your lost-seeker babbling! I am amazed at what extents He sometimes pursues us... He really does love us more than we can imagine! I suspect that there is some great work He wants you to do otherwise He wouldn't be putting so much effort into turning you around.
It was during the years of almost hopelessness with the relationship with my wife and second oldest that I really began the journey at a steady and determined pace, but the start was almost accidental. I had always been an "exercise freak" (remember the overweight and compulsive eating kid?). I would "escape" the chaos of the household and drive to a state park almost daily to run. The running and the "state of mind" it induced as well as sitting afterwards and re-discovering the absolute JOY of just being and being in nature led me to a tranquility of soul and peace of mind which was such that when I returned home, I could handle the chaos and hostility. This sounds like the man whom is so happy to have a nice fresh piece of lettuce to put on his moldy bread with the rancid meat and rotten cheese. What a delightful sandwich it must then be. Yes, I know, into each life God sends what joy and pleasure he may. Now, here is what I would have said regarding the same period in my life (while facing FORWARD on my path): It was during the years of almost unbearable love with the relationship with my wife and daughter that I really began the journey at a steady and determined pace, but the start was almost accidental. I have never been an "exercise freak" (I was a very skinny kid, but grew broader and grander with each passing year of my wife's wonderful cooking!) I loved the peace and serenity of our home, but would sometimes be dragged away to go geocaching (typically in a state or city park.) Oh sure, I enjoyed the feeling of just being and being in nature, but even the tranquility of soul and peace of mind which ensued were pale in comparison to the warm fire and glow of love from my wonderful wife and beautiful daughter upon finally returning home. I wonder about others in their home's whom seemed to have to deal with only chaos and hostility. Eventually -although I didn't have the experience of talking with God, I did feel as though I was existing in a state which has been called "the true self", "the natural self" or existing while feeling the love of God -I had the sense of presence at times and operated from a" beingness of love" - As you have said -I remember the state of being and I can empathizes with Eckhardt Tolle when he laments his ensuing dark night of the soul - his period of "aridity".
Of course, often times has God called you, begged you, sent you signs as to where He was in relation to you. Since He decided to bring you into this world into the family He did, and since He decided what religion you would initially be raised and taught in, and since He instilled you with such deep spiritual understanding at such an early stage... I suspect that He has had great plans for you from the earliest times. However, He does not FORCE us to do what He has destined for us to do. He gives us our freedom to choose, and then to choose again, and every moment of your life, He has offered to you the ability to TURN around and choose again. I am sure that most of the time you life has been a living hell, and you have just learned to suffer it willingly. It does not have to be this way any more...
(Please forgive my wordiness- I really do feel embarrassed -not at what I am saying (for it has been my truth), but in asking you to sift through this growing tale!)
As you may see, I think I had you pegged after a few paragraphs. You clearly stated what you did, why you did it, and your continued choice of it.
Now for the "interesting" and perhaps more relevant part. As I young person -perhaps before my religious problem, I and a friend were out in my parent's front yard one evening gazing at the stars. We decided to wish with all our might that if there were "spacemen" they would come and let us ride with them. After going in the house and sitting in the kitchen (it was late and everyone was in bed) I heard my name called -but it was perplexing as it sounded as though the voice which spoke it was INSIDE my head!
A child's mind is an amazing thing. So plastic, easily swayed, so simply mystified. They yearn for the unusual, and if not granted them in sufficient measure, they will create it for themselves. You see, what you think is possibly most "relevant" is the least relevant (IMHO). As I have told you, I have had many voices, both from good and bad sources. I have also had a very vivid imagination. These things might be fascinating, but they are best avoided.
Not wanting to acknowledge this I went into the next room as if someone in the family had called out -but there was no one else there. I quickly left that area of the house and went to my room -denial is pretending it didn't happen and everything is alright. Years later, during my agonizing marriage where I was so despondent I often contemplated suicide -and the realization that my two youngest children NEEDED me to protect them (to some degree) from my second oldest and my wife -may have been the only thing which prevented me from "escaping", (I can't re member how close to exploring these thoughts it happened) I heard the voice in my mind call my name twice. I lay still awaiting further developments but nothing more happened.
I see what you are saying, you weren't a happy camper - understood. Interesting choice of words - agonizing marriage... Again, thoughts of suicide, voices in your head, best avoided.
Because of the circumstances of my life I had decided that if there was re-incarnation, I would refuse to return and I often expressed this sentiment. I had a dream in which I was being released from prison, and at the doorway the warden forcefully thrust a book into my midsection. I asked what it was. He replied that it was the rulebook. I said I didn't need it because I was getting out. He replied - Read it! Learn it! You WILL be back! Dreams, voices, etc. - especially when you circumstances are bad, should be ignored and avoided like the plague. (Just where do you suspect that such dreams and voices come from when your entire view is facing AWAY FROM GOD, away from "good", away from where you are supposed to be going?
I immediately awoke and knew beyond any doubt in my own mind that a message had very purposefully been conveyed to me. It was from that moment on that I determined to discover all I could about "the rules" and spent years exhaustively studying any and all things which seemed pertinent that I could get my hands on. One of my interests had always been history. I had been drawn to ancient history -the earliest known beliefs, religious ideas of cultures which had gone before. I wanted to discover what I could of what men thought/knew before the appearance of the Christian church. I had read most of what was available through the "orthodox" textbooks and had always scoffed at "the other things" as idiocy and nonsense.
Interesting. Because of a dream, you modify your actions (take a sideroad) and spend much effort pursuing "the rules". Very interesting. I should like to know what rules you found, their precedence of priority, and the resultant effects if they are followed / disobeyed. I spent many years seeking "The Truth" (the original title of OMGAYTTM) and read many books and amassed a huge mountain of knowledge after getting out from under my earthly father's domination and throwing away the religion he had forced on me. I decided to go and find The Truth for myself, and I sincerely doubted that it was the stuff he had burdened me with... but that's another story!
I now have some rules I live by - 20. There is a mission statement, and then the rules are the tools we use to accomplish the mission statement. They are called the Rules of the Penielite Order (A lay order of Love and Service to God and our fellow journeymen here in this life.) Few ever pursue the life of perfection of Loving God as we do, but you might be interested in these rules that I live by. (They are mentioned in the OMG book.)
But very slowly as I expanded my research I discovered more and more which caused me to suspend my judgment. After years of study and research, I was amazed to realize that there seems to have been much of a very deep and pure spiritual nature which had been marginalized and sanitized. I came across the accounts (new to me at the time) of outright manipulation of documents and beliefs by various factions for various reasons. I was amazed at how widespread the " original perennial spirituality" had been.
Yes, I am well aware of the Gilgamesh tales and the previous commandments. I am also familiar with the writings of the early Christian Fathers that the Nicene Council decided to leave out of the new testament. I know all about Clement of Rome, Polycarp, Athenagoras and Ireneaus. Now if you are talking earlier Greek stuff, yeah I know about them too. My "fool in the cave" is almost a mirroring of Aristotle's "Natural man". If you go back to the edge of recorded history, then we have the Egyptians and the Mesopotamians (I much prefer the Mesopotamians - they were real deep spiritually.) And even further back we get tales and legends handed down from pre-history. This is all well and adds volumes to the mountain of shit that I piled up for myself looking to find The Truth in it. After a few years, I read one of the last books I would ever read (for then I started writing instead) and the Zen Master whom wrote it struck a chord in me and in the time it takes to smile, I was enlightened (in the Zen way.) Even at that early age of 23, and with so odd a tool as a Zen koan, God touched me. In 1980, while in Korea, one of the Buddhist Priests was very surprised to meet a young, Christian, WESTERN master.
Now, after having looked it all over, I count all of this as loss! All of the things I learned merely complicated my mind. All of the powers I gained merely distracted my true purpose. All of the truths I found, disguised The Truth (again - read the Blind Men and the Elephant poem - very pertinent.) But you must ask yourself these simple question: WHY do I want this? WHAT will I do with it? HOW will I use it? Typically, if we are honest with ourselves, it is NOT for the Greater Glory of God (G.G.G.) that we seek these things, nor to see Him more clearly, follow Him more nearly, nor Love Him more dearly that we pursue these things. If a thing is NOT NECESSARY for these (GGG, sHmc,fHmn, LHmd) that in Truth it is NOT worth pursueing... unless you are just wasting time.
Among other things, I studied the Seth material, the Conversations with God series. I became aware of a much vaster system of belief and state of being. The rationale for creation and the various "roles" "we" play, and a concept which became very interesting to me was the concept of the "evolution of the soul (as CWG might phrase it), and coming from a totally different perspective( but with yet the same idea) was Seth's "value fulfillment" - that in essence we are sparks of God, we come from "out of" God and begin the journey of re-increasing our level of conscious awareness until we reach the total immersion again with our point of origin(perhaps through slow meticulous study, perhaps through instantaneous "enlightenment). In CWG it was stated that "enlightenment" could be gradual or arrive all at once in one life time. The reason I refer so much to this will be made more clear in what follows.
Yeah, I figured. Anything to avoid the simple and inevitable conclusion that you must now again face... "Evolution of the soul" indeed. Since the soul (personality) has no parts, and cannot be touched or effected / affected from the physical world, and since it is immortal and will never die, and since it is immutable (being made of the same "substance" as God Himself) how is it that the "soul" evolves (changes over time.) I suspect they have dragged you down that old "reincarnation" gig. Sometimes I am amazed at how complex a system of relations we attempt to believe in to avoid the simple Truth that deep down, we know. If we have to go there, I will explain to you the illogic of reincarnation, but I suspect with the enlightenment Dad should send you in this response that it won't be necessary. There was a small mountain valley community that had a very dangerous road going up the mountain above their town. So many cars fell over the edge that they didn't have enough ambulances to take them all to the hospital. They had two proposals to alleviate the bad situation: 1 - build better guardrails along the mountain or 2 - purchase another ambulance. Since the new ambulance was much cheaper than the guard rails, they wisely chose to purchase the new ambulance. Eventually, as the traffic increased, they purchased more ambulances to keep up with the accident victims.
I seemed to be moving along nicely in acting from a beingness of love and to borrow such over work